Facebook aptly reminded me this morning of a post I made 4 years ago today. It was my first blog post I ever shared and it was one of those experiences that was ‘channeled’ and really opened me to the path of healing through writing. I read it again this morning and I look back and I celebrate my mid 20’s year old self in a state of beautiful reflection. As much as I felt like a ‘mess’ back then I really honour the knowing that I had – even in the thick of it … and the courage I had to keep exploring to the depths of this… the depths of me.
The only thing I would add in addition to this is that capacity for white that exists in us is in direct proportion to the darkness that does too. The only thing that has fundamentally changed in me since writing this piece is that I am now no longer afraid of my darkness and to sit in the heavy slick of spilled paint. WHY? Because it’s part of me too. And those parts of me – they’ve been the parts that have needed the most love.
Love your darkness and your light will explode.
What is this thing called life? What is our journey? What is our purpose?
There are so many unknowns to this pathway we sign up to as we take our first breath and expand our lungs to let out our first cry. We are born into this world a blank canvas and as we grow the world presents us with an array of pastels to colour our canvas with.
As we grow up our parents, our siblings, our religion, our society, our culture etch lines on our canvas. These are the lines that we are meant to colour within. Not only is it just the lines these experiences impart on us – some go so far as to wash the vibrancy out of our colours, and in some cases fade our pallets into heavy shades of black and grey. These experiences become the shadows of our past and our present that distort our feeling and vision.
These shadows create deep seeded fears around colouring out of the lines or even adding colours to our pallets again.
Some people however dare challenge the constriction of their etched lines and shadows. They dare to explore the untouched area of white. They embark on a new adventure and just like any exploration into un-chartered territory it’s treacherous and sometimes scary.
What makes it scary is the old habit patterns that come back to haunt us as we add new colours to our pallet.
Ego is the ‘you’ that seduces you to come play back inside the ‘this is how you should be’ life etching. Ego is the shackles, the force that generates fear and doubt and holds you back from learning and growing.
It is only with persistence that sooner or later you realise that as long as you keep accepting the ‘help of ego’ you will not create any change in your life. If you keep colouring with black, you are not going to get purple, the turquoise or the vibrancy you have been so desperately searching for.
It’s easy to understand this at an intellectual level. But there are some days where we feel like we spill every pot of paint we’ve stored from the past and got them mixed in with the new ones in our collection only to create a brown and muddied mess.
Some days – like the one I experienced today the mess seems irreparable – it feels like it has covered every piece of white that was left on the canvas.
What is a life, a path, with no more white? With no more hope?
When you can’t see white what is left to change? Everything, every dream, every step made to this point muddied by the thick slick of paints.
This is when the ego kicks in – Why have I even bothered I ask? What is the point? What is this whole thing called life? What is my journey? What is my purpose?
Ego for me is the voice that says you don’t have the energy or the vibrancy to do life any more. This battle creates an inner storm in me, a storm that paralyses me and brings me to my knees.
After reflection I can say that my paint pots have spilled many times and as I get more adventurous in my exploration they seem to spill even more frequently. Change is hard.
It’s in these moments of reflection that I have realised that ‘this too will pass’. That the canvas doesn’t stay spoiled forever. As we face the truth in ourselves our canvas is nourished and also continues to grow. Though it is muddied – time will pass and with time new white edges will start to appear.
With every step into new areas of white, the ego becomes less and less. The awareness becomes greater and greater. The change becomes easier and easier.
I am still at the point where change is hard and change is tiring, but I have come too far though to turn back.
The choice is simple really – have no awareness to the white and stay in the muddied mess and hope it will turn into a rainbow… ORwait the spills out, accept that they occur at times, pick up the brightest colour you can find strive for the white, the light.
Living in the white, you release the need to ‘hope’ for the rainbow. Why? Because you are the rainbow… which means you will be there at the end of every storm.